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Confessions...
Of a squirrel driven steam powered Mat suit

How I want it to happen:

I'm deep behind enemy cover, having just escaped from Dr. Claw's clutches.

I'm weak, tired, and my gadgets are rusty from days of hanging from chains in a damp dungeon.

Dodging bullets left and right, I stumble as I approach the perimeter fence. Although they still work, my gadget legs are severely damaged and slow my progress.

After leaping the fence, I activate my gadget binoculars and see a nearby highway.

Dr. Claw personally smashed my gadget 'copter and tore out the spare after grinding down my gadget roller skates; I was going to have to keep running if I was going to stay alive.

As I approached the highway, I took further inventory of my gadgets:

  • Gadget lasso - cut

  • Gadget springs - ground down

  • Gadget Mallet - used to destroy the gadget 'copter

  • Gadget skis - Christ, how many things can my fucking shoes hold?

A car back fire jarred me back to the present. I had crossed the gap between Dr. Claw's fortress and the highway faster than I expected.

Running in front of an oncoming vehicle, I signaled my distress the way any normal human would - by raising a flashing police light out of my skull.

"Official police business, ma'am; you'll have to transport me to Metro City!"

"Gas, grass or ass?" the young woman asked.

"Ma'am, this is hardly the time"

"Get in," the girl interrupted, lowering her panties. "Eatin' ain't cheatin"

I realized that the car wasn't moving without the sex favor, so I activated my gadget tongue Dremel tool and feather duster and set to work.

After several salty moments, I asked my seductress if I could get a ride now.

The girl rose from her seat and tilted her head back to expose a computer and speaker built into her android neck.

I heard Dr. Claw's voice echo that most famous of phrases as the 7.62 round penetrated my eye.

How it will probably happen:

Jerkin off; have a heart attack.

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Current Music: Sui is sleeping in the clothes basket again

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Those damn Cavemen crash their motorcycles on the overpass of immorality:

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Current Mood: grumpy grumpy
Current Music: Crosstown Traffic -The Jimi Hendrix Experience

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Shit.
I made a parody of that bladder control commerical, you know, this one:

Possilby NSFW Enjoy:

More stupidity to come. See you on Wednesday.

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Current Music: What goes around... comes around - Justin Timberlake

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Found this trolling Casual Encouters for various states last night:




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Current Music: Yoko Kanno - Run Rabbit Junk

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 When I was very young, I used to pick used cigarette butts up off the ground and pretend to smoke them. I think that must be how I got Hepatitis, because everyone knows there’s nothing worse than cigarettes. Not even Taiwanese prostitutes or dirty needles.

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Current Music: By the light of the Moon - Jimmy Buffett

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Have you seen the Charmin commercials? The ones with the bears? The bears who do nothing but use the bathroom?



I mean seriously? We happen to have a camera crew setup with a family of English speaking anthropomorphic bears, and the sum of their activity is evacuation? Are you shitting me?

I made this to show my annoyance for these Ursidae privy users.



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Current Location: Charmin
Current Music: PAD Commercial

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----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: 390020400
Date: Jun 17, 2008 7:27 AM


I'm Ruth : )

I really feel shy but I have to tell you, Lawnmower Kitten, that you are just a man of my dreams.I found your profile by accident but now I'm sure it's a destiny! : )
Frankly speaking... I want to find a man who will help me to realize all my fantasies. Oh, I feel really SO timid writing about it; but I mean my sexy fantasies. ;-) Your photos are marvelous... but I'm sure in your real life you will excite me even more! : ) Its incredible, but I'm from Youngstown, Ohio United States too! :-)
So I would like to start a friendship with you, Lawnmower Kitten!

You can find my spicy photos on my profile!

Lawnmower Kitten, I hope you'll take a look at them and will write me (unintelligible)


Hi Ruth!

wow, that's crazy! I can't believe that you know so much about me as a person and are ready to hop in bed with me after reading my webcomic.

I was hoping LMK would get me a hand job or something from a drunk chick in a bar bathroom, but to see it attracting you is a carnal delight.

I hate to have to ruin your hopes, but I actually don't look anything like my pictures. You see, I'm a 25 year old man and not a defunct black and white webcomic. I hope that you can learn to love the "real" me.

I tried to see your photos, but I was inundated with requests for my credit card, social security number, home address and other personal information. Could you just send me another e-mail address here that I can talk to you on? You know; one that doesn't cost $30.00 a month?

Please?

LMK

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Current Music: Five Dollar Foot Long Commerical

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I made a dumb video parodying student loan commercials I had seen on
television:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRHhtmMPiBU

I posted it on Youtube a few months ago and never thought about it again.

Anyways, I got a message in my email from Kim Palmer, the senior
business editor for US.News and World Report:

"I am a reporter for US News & World Report. I am writing an article on
student loan marketing and I came across your parody of the Astrive
loans. I'd love to talk to you about it, how you got the idea, etc -
would that be possible. "

I did some background research on her to make sure it wasn't a scam and
sent her an e-mail.

Around 2:38 I got a call from her and we chatted for about 10 minutes.

She asked me about the video and my idea for it. She also asked about
my thoughts on the student loan market and my own experiences with
student loans.

The article will appear in the third week of April. The focus of the
magazine will be student loans.

The entire experience was and continues to be surreal. People who spend thousands of dollars on video equipment and editing software don't have that kind of luck. I'm not sure if I'll appear in very much of the article, but it's still neat.

Kimberly Palmer writes for a section of the magazine's website found here:
http://www.usnews.com/alpha

Mat
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Dear Sansa,


I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for never returning my e-mail. If you had replied to my request for hardware support, I would have been too busy resending information and useless tech specs to your dunderhead tech staff to stumble upon a solution.


Sure, you could see me as a valued customer whose input would be incorporated in future devices. You could even look at the bottom line and hope that by providing an enjoyable experience, I would return and purchase more from you in the future.


But what fun is that, especially when you could leave me naked and weeping like some neglected child?


It only took me three days of useless reformatting, reauthorizing and device throwing to fix the problem. I'm sure that with your help I could have narrowed that down to six days of useless reformatting, reauthorizing and device throwing along with lots of waits and auto-replies.


So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for not doing your job. In a world of overpaid CEOs and union backed layabouts, it's refreshing to see a slacker actually contribute to something.


In the future I will do my absolute best to not bother you with little things like device management and poor craftsmanship.


I mean, it's not like it's your responsibility or anything.


Mathew
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My sister, notbadgemadge, wants a hair cut.

She must wear her hair like this.
Add glitter your Myspace or Piczo Image
Glitter Graphics - Myspace - Orkut - Bebo - Hi5 - Friendster - Facebook - eBay

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Current Music: There's a stranger out to find you

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